Monday, August 1, 2011

Facing my Fears

I have not been sleeping well at night. This has been going on for quite some time now. I have realized for awhile that the devil attacks me as I try to fall asleep. This is the point in time when my mind is weakest and also most active. I don't feel anxious, but something must be bothering me, right? The devil will always attack, but what is it that is getting under my skin and causing me so much anxiety that I cannot sleep?

I have been thing about death a lot lately. For some reason my miscarriage-loss of my unborn baby-has been coming up a lot. Possibly because I would be getting big with baby by now, but possibly for another reason. I feel peace with that particular loss, but I think God is telling me something else now.

Then yesterday I found out that a friend from high school, Charlie Goode, lost his battle with cancer. He was a good person with a bright light in his soul. He will be truly missed. He touched many lives while he was on this Earth.

Generally speaking death does not rock me. There is a beauty in death and a celebration of life. Death usually brings a sense of wonder over me. That is, as long as it doesn't include my immediate family...mostly if it doesn't involve Zoey. Not even the thought of my own death bothers me incredibly much (although, I try not to dwell on that particular unknown too often.) But I cannot even think of Zoey or Stephen not being here without my heart aching. I know that by leaving this earthly body we go to spend our days with the Lord and that brings me comfort. However, it does not ease the ache of any thought involving loosing my baby.

I will wake up in the middle of the night with nightmares where Zoey dies. I can not fall asleep because my mind wanders to worst case scenarios. It is a subtle fear. One that I didn't even realize I harbored until God showed it to me last night during meditation and prayer about Charlie's death. But now that I realize this fear I realize it has been striking in full force. I can't believe I did realize the manifestation. At first it was just when my mind was weak and wandering, but progressed to even consuming me during conversations or stray thoughts and fill my head with worse case scenarios. Then I am gripped with fear.

Especially after experiencing a miscarriage, I recognize more than ever how absolutely precious Zoey's life is. Actually, those nightmares, trouble sleeping and gripping fears began when I had my miscarriage. It definitely started there. I remember actively battling the devil in my mind at night during that troubling time and I thought it was getting better, but it was just getting worse.

The irony is, I have made peace with the miscarriage and the baby I loss, but I am now fearful for the little girl I have. I want a big family and I love that little girl unconditionally.

Now what?


You will never guess what song I heard as I prayed.

"Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns.

That makes three times that song has come on in my time of needing comfort and been EXACTLY what I needed to hear.

1. When I realized I was having a miscarriage
2. When I found out about Charlie's death
3. When I realize I was becoming increasingly fearful of my children's deaths.

The devil has been attacking me for some time on the last point. I say NO MORE! I am listening to the Voice of Truth and He says "DO NOT BE AFRAID!"

Last night I had a revelation and something broke loose in me. God is in control and He is greater than any of my fears. 

This morning, this verse is staring me in the face...

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from ALL my fears." Psalm 34:4


I had the best night sleep last night than I have had in months.

***This has been an emotional journey I needed to take. Thank you for those who have taken it with me. I tend to get really quiet when I am "going through" something difficult. But I truly believe there is someone else out there who needs to hear this. You are not alone and God is the answer. When you are weak He is strong. So I am sharing my story, my struggle, and my victory in Jesus name.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV

The Rest of the Journey:
Voice of Truth
Everything Happens For a Reason
Overcoming the Curse
My Miscarriage

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, you are doing the right thing in sharing your thoughts. People will be touched by God's messages through you. I still struggle with what we went through this year when Christopher was severely ill and sedated on a ventilator and we DIDN'T lose him. I stay quiet about it because I don't want people to think I am unhappy and since we were so blessed to have everything turn out all right months later.

    Did you read the book "Heaven is for Real"? Your baby is dancing in heaven waiting with Jesus waiting to meet you one day.