Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Beautiful Battle

I am participating with an ongoing devotional in connection with "Joyful Mothering" to read and discuss "Beautiful Battle: A Woman's Guide to Spiritual Warfare" by Mary DeMuth. Mary has written several fabulous books about devotion to God and being the best woman, wife and mother you can be. This particular devotion is about spiritual warfare and how to live in God's Power in our everyday lives. 

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The first chapter we are reading is called, "Our Story: The Gaping Hole and Freedom." Before we can make an impact in spiritual warfare, we have to be whole in the Lord. This chapter is all about understanding our spiritual weaknesses and learning how to eternally fulfill our hearts with God's love. 

I’m going to be honest, it was hard for me to find my “gaping hole.” I do not say this in a bragging way, not in the least, it is more a shameful recognicion that I had to think really hard about what areas I faulter in. I was looking for something obvious, of course, it wasn’t obvious to me. But I took some time and really prayed on it and God showed me my “gaping hole.”

Zoey and I 
I was out with a couple girlfriends of mine. We had just had a great time shopping and were at dinner. We were talking about religion and God and balance. I spoke of how I am still trying to find a spiritual balance, that I feel like I am all over the place (happy, sad, up, down, etc.) My friend, a wonderful Christian woman, challenged the idea of balance, explaining that to have true balance would negate the reason to live. If we were at perfect zen then there would be no more spiritual quests to go on, no more questions to anwer, no more knowledge to gain. If we were at perfect spiritual balance we wouldn't seek God, his mercy or his love. What would be the point of living in this world without reaching out for God. I never thought of it that way. I wouldn't want to live without God's amazing grace and love.

But what this conversation about balance, God's love and the need for the highs and lows of life is that I actually question too much. I am too curious about how things work and why things are the way they are. God tells me to do something and the first question out of my mouth is “why?” I don’t mean to be troublesome, but I want to know how it all works. I want to know experience how God is working in my life, I want to know how God makes the sun rise, I want to know how my actions affect others around me. I want to know so much, which isn’t always a bad thing, but I need to do now and have the patience for God to show me his purpose in his own time.

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I accept that I am a very inquisitive person, God made me that way and understands me more than I understand myself. Perhaps I need to trust that he is in control and not get caught up in the little things; I need to be okay with the mysteries. I get a gut feeling that God will use my curiosity for a specific purpose if I can learn to put my faith in him and let God lead my constant quest for knowledge and enlightenment in the right direction. This is a subject that I continue to pray about now that God has shown me this revelation. I pray that God can use me to help people around me and in the realm of spiritual warfare.

My other gaping hole, because after God showed me one he was like, oh yeah don’t forget this one that should already know about. That one is that I am too hard on myself. I did already know about this of course. However, I often need a reminder. I get bogged down trying to do so much for everyone else that I forget to take time out for myself. I try so hard to do everything “right” and anytime I miss something or don’t do something as fast or as thoroughly as I would like I have a little mommy freak out moment. I forget something at the store or I miss getting the laundry put up and I feel like I have failed. This is an intense overreaction and I know this, but I am so hard on myself. I want to be the best I can be. This is something I need to work on. I pray to God often to help me realize that I am enough. To know it to my core that He and my family love me no matter what. I have to take a deep breath and pray a lot on the subject.

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After just beginning DeMuth's "Beautiful Battle" I can already see that it is going to make a big impact on me and be a way to connect myself even closer with God. 

Dear God, 
Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to learn more and grow closer to you. I thank you for fellow bloggers and authors that provide a fellowship and confidants for this spiritual journey.Thank you God for showing me my "gaping holes" and for filling my with the living waters so I can fully enjoy and appreciate the everyday wonders around me. I pray for all those participating in this devotional with me that they each with grow closer to you the more read and delve in to realm of spiritual warfare. Thank you for continuously redeeming me through your amazing grace and mercy. 
In Jesus' name I pray, 

This is the first of the "Beautiful Battle" series. 

I am linking up with:

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