Lately, I haven't been able to think properly. I went to write my post today, a well crafted, possible controversial post that has been on my mind for a while, and I couldn't even put two words together. I feel frazzled, I keep forgetting what I'm doing, I have a ton of things to do and I am having trouble mustering the motivation to finish one of them.
I have been praying on this and the one thing that keeps coming up is "it will happen in time." This has been the statement for almost all of my questions:
"Will we have more kids?" --"It will happen in time."
"Will I ever feel normal again?" --"It will happen in time."
"Will I ever get the house back to the state it was (or preferably better than it was) before vacation?" --"It will happen in time."
I hope that last one happens before we have a party in another week and before homeschooling starts the week after that.
I am impatient. You can add that to the list of things to work on. (It's a long list).
But what is worse right now is my emotions. They are all over the place. I am being snarky and short, things that I usually avoid easily. I feel like I can conquer the world one minute and then like I am buried under a mountain of things to do and confusing emotions.
I came to the realization last night, that this miscarriage is hitting harder than I remember the other ones being. Perhaps because this time I have given up the thought of having more kids (at least for now) and that changes my whole view of the future. Perhaps just because this miscarriage was harder on my body and I am too impatient to allow myself recovery time. Perhaps there are still just so many hormones raging that I am just a blubbering mess more often than not.
I'm not sure about all of these things. I just wanted to be honest because it is something I needed to write out. It just so happens that I have this awesome network of other moms and friends that are great support in times of the unknown.
I am okay. I really am. I just need to be a little more patient. Everything will happen as it should and everything will return to normal. And we are going to have a beautiful, exciting life.
"It will happen in time."
Have you ever had to wait something out? Have you ever been so excited to do something or feel something that the waiting feels pained? What did you do while you waited? I'd love to hear from you.