However, feeling these depressive emotions right now does not stop my spirit from looking forward to the future. I need time to grieve for the child we will not have. Especially right now when my body is still greatly influenced by hormones as I continue to process this miscarriage.
No matter what pain and sadness I experience I know something greater than these trials--I know God's love. God has given me a reassuring peace over this entire situation, just like the two miscarriages before it. I don't know the reason and I do not understand the meaning of my losses, but God is in control. I've known it for a while, God has something up his sleeve and I am on a journey to find out what it is and how I can be apart of his supreme plan.
I am happy, despite this loss. I am happy during this loss. I am happy because this loss does not mean a burdened life for me or my family. I am sad, incredibly so, but life goes on and I intend to go with it. I live in the everyday and I live for the small miracles.
This miscarriage was not the miracle meant for me right now, but even when God says no, it is not always meant as a punishment. God showed me during my first miscarriage that bad things do not happen because of something we did or didn't do. We can look to Job for that. Struggles are times of learning, growing as individuals and in relationship with God. They are times we can feel and share with others who are grieving. There is more to loss than the loss itself, there is hope. There is hope we can give to others, hope we can give to ourselves. Simply being able to pick up the pieces and move forward is a victory.
"That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and trouble that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10 (NLT)
"This is my command--be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord you God is with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
"Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
"When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, "I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life." John 8:12
All I can really say is that this is the underlying joy I have talked about before. Even in times of struggle I feel like I am still on solid ground. I can only that God and my relationship with him for that.