It's been just over a year now since I had my last miscarriage. Three miscarriages over the span of not quite two years. It is a statistic I wish I did not have to claim. Those two years were some of the most lost, frustrating, depressing and doubting times of my entire life. I'd known loneliness and depression before, but this was different, it was my rock bottom. That was the most pain, physically and emotionally, that I had ever experienced. It felt too much to bear.
Why God? Why have you forsaken me?
It was here, at my lowest moment, that God found me. It was while I was calling out to Him in anger that He answered me in love.
John 3:16 -- "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."
It is also fair to mention here that this was one of the only scriptures I knew for God to lay on my heart. You see, I knew God, but we weren't really very close. I had Him in my head, but He was about to find His way into my heart.
When God put John 3:16 on my heart, He didn't stop there. He wanted my attention and I was broken enough that He got it - undivided. I was sick of pain and heartbreak. I was desperately ready to be refilled.
God was telling me how much He loved me. He sent His Son to die. Just as my unborn child died, before I ever knew her. God knew my pain. God cared about my pain. More importantly, God knows my baby. My beautiful unborn babies are safely in the arms of God. And He had something else to tell me.
I remember sitting on our back porch listening to the radio and watching my 3 year old daughter play with our dog wishing I was pregnant instead of sad when God spoke to my heart.
This is not about your pain. This is about something much greater happening to you and to all of those that you touch.
I was confused at first. But it sent me into a time of contemplation and meditation and I dove into God's Word with a quest, the beginning of the renewal I was seeking. Slowly, God allowed me to understand.
When God sent His Son to the earth, He knew He was going to die a harsh, tragic death. He sent Him anyway. That is hard to imagine as a parent - it would be impossible to bear. But God is stronger than everything and He makes all for the good of those He loves.
Romans 8:28 -- "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
There was a purpose. Even though it caused great pain, it had to happen. Jesus had to come and He had to die. It was all according to God's purpose for His people. It was worth the pain to see His people saved.
God expressed the importance of God's purpose. It isn't easy, no one wants pain. But there are times when we must bear the pain to understand that the victory coming is worth it.
Psalm 36:7 -- "How precious is your unfailing love, O God!All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings."
God's unfailing love is #priceless! He comforts us with His love when we feel lost and depressed. While I was in the shadow of His wings I began to read the Bible and seek Him more. It was after this specific comforting that God put on my heart the mission to reach out to others, especially women. My first step was to get more connected with my local church. After that, God put on my heart to begin a daily devotion on my blog, which I am still diligently writing thanks to His grace.
I still look back at that time with heartache, but I know that it was through that struggle that God called me back to Him. I know Him better, more intimately and more enthusiastically than I ever have before. He has begun my mission to reach out and share my ever-growing love of Christ with others. It began with my blog, in my church and in my community. I pray that God continues to show me ways and gives me opportunities to share in new ways and reach different people.
I would not be who I am today without God finding me in that dark moment and wrapping me in His unfailing love.
One of my favorite artists, Casting Crowns has several songs that I have gone to through these difficult years.
One is "Voice of Truth" that I heard on the way home after learning about my first miscarriage. It was exactly what I needed to know that God was looking out for me. The other one is "Lifesong," which always makes me want to raise my hands and sing at the top of my lungs at the wonder of God. And then there is "Praise You In The Storm." This is one of the go-to songs for times of trouble, but it is that for a reason. It is healing and a true reminder of God's love and purpose for us.
"Praise You In The Storm" by Casting Crowns
No matter what happens, even in times of darkness, I know that you love me and that you always have great purpose for everything. I will praise you in the storm and I will seek always to be closer to you and your unfailing love! Amen.
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